Talking About Feelings (When You Never Learned How)
If you grew up in a house where “feelings” were either ignored, laughed off, or shut down, welcome.
You’re not broken. You’re just emotionally undertrained.
Now you’ve got kids—and they come with a lot of feelings.
Tantrums. Fears. Frustration. Sadness.
And maybe the scariest part? They’re watching you to learn what to do with all that.
So what happens when you never learned how to talk about feelings—and now you’re supposed to teach someone else?
You start. Awkwardly. Imperfectly. With love.
This is your guide to breaking the cycle, building emotional literacy, and giving your kid (and yourself) permission to feel what’s real.
🤐 First, Let’s Talk About Why This Is Hard
You’re not bad at feelings—you were just raised without tools.
Common emotional scripts from childhood:
“Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“Man up.”
“You’re fine.”
[Silence]
These messages teach us: emotions = weakness, inconvenience, or something to be pushed down.
So when our kids explode with big feelings, we either freeze, explode, or try to fix it fast—because we never learned how to sit with it ourselves.
📌 Breaking this pattern isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present.
🧠 Step 1: Build Your Own Feeling Vocabulary
If you can’t name it, you can’t deal with it.
Most adults have four feeling words: mad, sad, happy, tired.
Time to level up.
Start using:
“Frustrated” instead of mad
“Lonely” instead of sad
“Overstimulated” instead of tired
“Proud,” “guilty,” “worried,” “excited,” “jealous,” “peaceful”
📌 Keep a printed [Emotion Words Chart] on the fridge for you and your kid. Point to it when words fail.
🗣️ Step 2: Narrate Your Own Emotions (Even Badly)
You don’t need to say the perfect thing. You just need to say something.
Try:
“I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. I need a second.”
“I was angry earlier. I wish I had handled that better.”
“I’m feeling proud of how you handled that.”
Your kid sees that emotions are normal—and so is working through them.
👂 Step 3: Validate Before You Fix
When your kid melts down, resist the urge to say:
“You’re fine.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“Just calm down.”
Instead, say:
“You’re feeling really disappointed. That’s okay.”
“It’s hard when things don’t go how you want, huh?”
“Tell me more about what you’re feeling right now.”
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing. It means seeing.
📌 Kids who feel seen don’t need to scream to be heard.
🧠 Dad Hack: Use “The Feelings Ladder” Trick
When your kid is too overwhelmed to talk, try this:
Say: “Was it a little frustrating? Medium frustrating? Or BIG frustrating?”
Or: “Show me with your hands—how big was the mad?”
It gives them language and control—even in the chaos.
🖨️ Free Download: Emotion Words Chart for Kids (and Dads)
Includes:
Over 60 feelings grouped by category
Color-coded for easy use with kids
Space to add your family’s go-to words
Designed for fridges, walls, or inside a planner
[Download the chart →]
❓ FAQs
What if I feel weird doing this?
You’re changing generational habits. It’s supposed to feel weird. Keep going.
What if my kid won’t open up?
Start with storytelling. Talk about your own day, feelings, and mistakes. They’ll follow eventually—because you modeled it first.
Do I need to talk about feelings every day?
Nope. Just regularly enough that it’s not taboo. Even once or twice a week builds trust and fluency.
🧪 What to Try This Week
Download and post the [Emotion Chart]
Narrate one of your own feelings in front of your kid
Try validating before fixing during the next meltdown
You’re not teaching feelings from a textbook.
You’re teaching them by showing up—imperfect, honest, and willing to try.
That’s more than enough. And it changes everything.
